Things I am really happy about right now :)

Here is some gratitude that runs through my head on the daily and as of late:

  1. My Grandmother from Puerto Rico was in New Jersey when the storm hit and is completely safe. We haven’t heard about her home yet and the island is suffering immensely, but I am truly thankful that she was here when the storm hit.
  2. I am in a new place with new people performing a musical everyday for the next 2 months and I am staying in a beautiful home and taking great care of myself while enjoying my time here and staying focused. I would also really like to volunteer here since they recently had a hurricane as well and really want to be more active as a member of society and help people and animals.
  3. I am talking to this guy that I really like and its very sweet, low pressure, and fucking fun! When I dated my ex boyfriend, even in the beginning I was not myself and saw red flags. I was not remotely having fun and was trying to make someone else happy. This is completely different and¬† I really enjoy every moment when we hang out. I’m not overthinking too much or expecting anything crazy. We are both actors and both recently got out of long relationships, but I really do like him and am just kind of interested in seeing where things go.
  4. My family is healthy and I get to see my sister, mom, and brother-in-law in less than a month when I visit Orlando for Horror Nights!
  5. I am constantly learning and growing and I am very grateful to have the people and experiences that I have had in my life.
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Dedication

The past couple of weeks of my life have been quite a whirlwind that has come with a lot of change and excitement. This year has been so strange for me on many different levels with no real plan or way to know what was possibly going to happen. As always, I was throwing things to the wall and hoping that they would stick. Summer is always fairly quiet when it comes to auditioning, but I got called in for a company that was looking to work with me on a show in the Spring that I couldn’t do that now had a show that would tour all around Houston, Texas for the fall.

Welp, I ended up booking it and here I am in Houston in a beautiful air bnb! Over these past 2 weeks I have learned a musical in its entirety, staged it all, got someone to sublet my room for 2 months, informed my job and trained a new sitter, and prepared myself to be completely immersed in rehearsals and performances almost everyday for the next 2 months. I am super excited to be apart of this and also just so happy to be performing everyday. Being able to say I love what I do and it’s my daily job is really priceless. I’m a happy sponge ūüôā

While I am here, I am going to try to focus in on a couple of things in my downtime. A year and a half ago, I was away doing a show and my castmate was so extremely dedicated to her work in her time off that it would constantly leave me wondering what she was up to. Is there really that much work to be done? Am I slacking? How do I get started? What is she even doing?!

The truth was, I WAS slacking. I didn’t have a laptop yet, was unsure of certain steps that I needed to take, and was too focused on a guy that ultimately was not good for me or my mental health. I honestly would not take any of it back, because now I am far more grounded in who I am, focused, and ready to go. I feel healthy, happy, motivated, and very lucky to be here and although I definitely plan to socialize and explore, I will also be keeping her work ethic in mind to accomplish the things that I want to do before this year comes to a close. (How the hell is it even possible that there are only 3 months until New Years Day?!)

So here are some things that I want to accomplish while I am here and I have already started to do so!

Save money, eat healthy/exercise at least 4 times a week (I started a fitness Instagram with Ruby to stay on track!), work on my website, schedule a photo session for when I am back, plan my trip to Norway, plan another trip before that, figure out student loan payments, read all of the books that I brought, write everyday, watch important shows and movies, bulk up on knowledge of theater’s I would like to work with.

Life is sweet. I’m excited.

My 25 at 25

So I was recently looking over the past couple of months in my journal and right before my birthday in August, I made a list of the top 25 things that I have really learned in my 25 years that I thought I would share! So here we go!

  1. Do it and it’s done.

2.”Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail bigger.”

3. Change is inevitable, good and bad.

4. Not everything is as black and white as it seems.

5. Even when you just want to give up, don’t. You can never give up hope or belief in ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†yourself.

6. The universe is a friendly place that wants to see you succeed.

7. Do what you want to do. (But not at the expense of someone else’s well being or ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†feelings)

8. Worrying is useless and only causes stress.

9. WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?

10. Stay in your own lane. Success is yours.

11. Always get up, even when it hurts most.

12. Always be kind.

13. Don’t take things personally.

14. Enjoy the journey, even if it sucks.

15. Travel as much as possible.

16. Take risks and be a yes-man for a while. (Use your best judgment).

17. People see things the way they want to and that’s not your business.

18. Always take time out for family and friends.

19. Experience as much as possible.

20. Let go of things that no longer serve you.

21. Always trust that things will fall into place. (Because they always do).

22. Take care of yourself. (Mentally, physically, emotionally).

23. Face problems head on.

24. You are more valuable than your headshot/resume, job, position, etc.

25. Trust yourself; your heart, your drive, your mind. Beat out the thoughts that turn               you against yourself. Remember, our brains are wired to stop us in uncomfortable             situations. Fight for yourself. You will succeed greatly.

 

Your Getaway

Upon my arrival, I felt a calmness rush over me

and yet,

I found my heart in a state of nonstop flutter,

bouncing about the walls of my chest,

breaking through my endless longing,

hoping you would see that and forget all the rest.

I silenced the rapid movement with a quick warm touch

and pulled myself together in an instant.

I was happy for you, for what I found there.

It seems genuine and light,

and right.

I saw all that I needed to see,

to know you don’t belong with me.

 

 

 

 

True Fear

This past week I went away to an island off of Canada in the middle of Charleston Lake and it was like a quiet, wooded wonderland. There were no other houses or people on the island besides my friends family, and it was so eerily silent that it was almost alarming, besides the constant humming of “Despacito”. It was a nice change of pace from the city, to say the very least.

On our trip we did a lot of swimming, canoeing (and getting lost), hiking, water skiing, tubing, camping, you name it. It was my summer dream come true. I probably could do with a whole summer away in nature. Something about it just fills me with unlimited joy and excitement, especially given the fact that I was feeling very weird about not being in the middle of a production. That immediately left my brain and I just enjoyed my time without feeling any sort of pressure, anxiety, or nervousness.

The only time I felt pure terror was not when we were camping and there was clearly an animal next to our tent, not when we saw fresh bear claw prints and mountain lion tracks on our trail letting us know that they had to be close by, not when we went on the canoe in pitch black darkness, not body slamming into the water after being tossed into the air off of the tube. None of that. It was when I got ready to jump off of the 4th and biggest cliff that I had encountered on the trip.

The days before, I had been jumping off of cliffs that were anywhere between 15 ft and 25 ft without any qualms. I wouldn’t even think about it. I just ran and flew through the air, knowing that I would safely hit the water and swim back so that I could do it all again. On this particular day, we decided to go around sunset to a 40 ft cliff. It looked small from the boat and I wasn’t remotely shaken, thinking that it would be a piece of cake.

I jumped off of the boat into the clear, fresh water and swam over to the rocks and got ready to climb. The climb seemed like it was really taking a while, but I didn’t think anything of it; I was ready. I got to the top of the cliff and immediately fear struck my heart. It wasn’t like the others where I ran and had a great time and jumped. We were above all of the trees, looking out into the distance at numerous islands. Some people were on boats enjoying a mellow evening ride. It was beautiful. I looked down at the water and felt my palms begin to clam up. That never happens. My heart raced with pure insanity, and it was my first time being afraid of heights or anything thrilling. I am an adrenaline freak, or so I thought. I looked down at the calm water waiting beneath me. My friends dad was yelling from the boat, but I was zoning out. I was terrified.

I thought about other times that I had felt extremely nervous and the silliest things came to mind like walking into an audition or having to deal with confrontation. It was the same feeling I felt as I teetered on the edge, scared of what could happen. It really put things into perspective for me and I realized how much confidence it takes to do things in life that might sometimes seem terrifying, but when put in an actual scary situation, it sure makes it seem easier. I waited for so long before jumping, psyching myself out. I noticed that that was another thing that people seem to do when they are scared: they wait. I took a deep breath. I saw 3 other people do the jump. Why was I so scared? I needed to do it to prove to myself that I could overcome my fear and live to tell the tale. Not only that but in my eyes, if I could do this, I could do anything.

I finally took the chance and leaped over the edge of the cliff, plummeting from 40 feet in the air into the water. My ass hit the water so hard that I have bruises to show for it, but it was the greatest decision I ever made. I had so much fun once I stopped thinking about it and relaxed. Anything great that happens in life does not happen from a tense place. talented singers, dancers, actors, athletes, doctors, etc. all have to work from a place of relaxation, otherwise they would be all over the place and would mess up without a doubt because they were psyching themselves out.

I have a bit of a new lease on life now after facing that fear. I have let so many things scare me, and for what? It does no good to worry and hide away and tense up. You are only hurting yourself by doing that and not allowing yourself to open up and be brave. It’s hard. And it’s a process. It’s something I have been learning over the years, it didn’t just happen because I jumped off of a cliff. But I will say, that it is a worthy process and at first it may seem scary, but you will love yourself and the choices that you make more because you will live without the regret of what could have been.

Endless Interjection

My admiration for you is intenible.

My fondness is unmatched.

It has been this way for a long time,

My dearest friend and partner in crime,

Pure family.

 

Yet, as of late,

You are gone.

Swept up in the passions of “love”.

And while I am happy for you,

I never believed our friendship could

suffer

from the interjection

of another.

 

Our bond could never be broken,

This I know,

Nor could it be ever changed,

But I just hope you know

I miss you.

 

Turbulence

The threat is there;

It looms ominously

Just waiting for you to let up.

But you won’t.

You are not easily shaken.

You do not allow your dreams to diminish

On a whim.

The pressure, the anxiety, the doubt

Is all overshadowed by

The diligence, the joy, and the sureness.

No turbulence can steal that,

So continue to trek forward

without looking back.

Ramblings of a (newly struggling) actor

It’s amazing what one day surrounded by nature can do for you. Whether it’s a forest or a sunshiny meadow or the beach…anything. ANYthing but New York City can make you feel at ease.

Don’t get me wrong, I love New York. Truly, madly, deeply. But this place can really make you question your sanity. I sincerely am grateful to live here for so many reasons, but also appreciate getting away whenever I can.

I have been trying not to get caught up in the fact that I am not currently on stage and performing in a show. I am, however, directing which is very exciting and rewarding, so to still be apart of the theater in some way is very satisfying. But I can’t shake this feeling of worry, this feeling of being held to the highest of standards. Most of the time I can keep it pretty hushed these days, but some days my mind runs wild and I panic over the fact that I am not “where I am supposed to be”, whatever that means.

I recently talked to some friends in the acting world who say that I inspire them and make them want to do their best, and while I really am very touched and excited by that, I always feel like I am somehow letting them down if I am not in the middle of working on a role. I have to rid myself of that idea. I got too used to things coming easily, to booking things quickly and being on the move. I got too comfortable in “success” that when I hit this little lull in my acting career, I started to freak the F out. I think that is only natural, as an artist and as a person, to be honest. But it eats me alive when I allow it too. Even if I have gone on a bunch of auditions, even if I tell myself I am doing super well, even if I inspire people around me and am always on the move, it eats me alive if I am not booking, even if it doesn’t remotely show.

Today I went to Cupsogue Beach in The Hamptons. One day away with my sister and brother-in-law getting tossed around in the waves and soaking up some rays was really cleansing. I took some time to just reflect (corny sounding but true) and I realized that what we feel is failure is an opportunity for growth and for experience. How you react to your perceived failure is what will make or break you. The other day I spoke to my friend who is also an actor and she said something that was pretty simple but also profound to me since I have been dealing with these sudden bursts of panic; she said that if you aren’t enjoying the journey, what is the point? Why do we do what we do? If everything came easily, would there be any growth for you as an actor or as a person?

As I lay in the sun earlier today, allowing the beams to heat my smiling face, I felt this so deeply within me. I know that this time in my life, this “lull”, is for experience. It’s for growth. It’s to propel me to the next level so that I can be learning constantly and defying the possibilities of what I thought I was capable of doing. I have time. TIME! I have time where I can travel, where I can learn new things and see new theater, where I can direct and spend time with friends and family. I’m young! How awesome is that?

This was a rant, yes. And maybe you aren’t a struggling artist, but every human struggles with something whether their lives seem perfect or not. They aren’t. And that’s what makes people interesting. Their journey, their triumphs, their low points, their passions and how they pursue them. You are always growing and learning and once you accept “failure” into your life, you can laugh it off and move forward towards your goals without getting too stuck on things.

 

Wonder

Sometimes you feel the rumblings of war,

or perhaps a symphony, the fullness of its score.

Other times, all falls silent

where you calm all vibration from turning

ultra-violent.

 

I wonder how your heart beats,

how it dances or smiles,

how it would create tidal waves

in my own heart for a while.