This Time

I sat with my knees pulled close to my chest

And fluttered my eyes shut tightly,

To shield myself from the everlasting unrest

and forced myself to hum lightly.

 

I am now aware of what we shared,

That I was not real to you.

You really only put on airs,

To hide your endless blue.

 

Not pretty blue, not turquoise,

Or something of the like.

But something more of your choice,

That would continuously strike.

 

I tried to be fair to you,

Was always sure to be kind.

I see exactly what you are trying to do,

But I won’t fall for it.

Not this time.

 

 

Roaming

A field stands before me, before us all

where the tree’s loom ominously

growing by the second, wild and tall.

 

Everyone avoids the shade,

afraid,

afraid.

 

I tiptoe around the edges, delicate and quiet

nervous that, should shade find even the smallest patch of my skin,

I would have to start over

and wouldn’t know where to begin.

 

One lazy day, I took a nap near the brook

and when I awoke, it felt as though the earth shook.

I was shrouded in shadows, paralyzed with fear

I was certain that imminent failure was near.

 

Yet I trekked on, unafraid of the dark

and I learned how to roam freely,

singing my song

that could rival a lark’s.

For the shade was only temporary,

a teacher and friend,

and I am always embraced by sunshine

in the end.

 

 

Devil May Care

Moments began to flare

as if they were tumbling down from the atmosphere

I felt the intensity of my focused stare,

as I struggled to hold back any real tears.

 

I felt a sense of wonder, I felt a sense

of joy,

I knew the flames would hurt a bit,

but, deep down,

I knew it to be a ploy.

 

I approached the wreckage

with a grim half smile

I was expecting all to have been singed.

But just then I noticed something wild,

and had to know what was within.

 

It was a small box,

warm to the touch,

It had a certain kind of edge.

I tampered with it for a moment,

until I saw what it read.

 

‘Devil May Care”

I read aloud, confused and a bit thrown off,

I felt a real power here,

I didn’t dare scoff.

 

I took a peak inside,

admittedly scared of what I might find,

but the calm that I felt

helped to ease my mind.

 

It was my heart,

staring right back at me,

and it was glowing more than ever,

for it had been set free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Passing Notes

There is a part of me

that wants to sneak you a slip of paper.

Maybe under your door on a humid night,

Where I could slip away

and quickly turn vapor.

 

The paper wouldn’t be ordinary,

short and quaint,

but the moment you read it,

there would be no restraints.

 

At this moment,

I have no desire for anything more.

I know that it is not the right time,

but eventually we will both come upon that door.

And when we do,

I will be bold,

for I can foresee exactly

what this can hold.

 

 

Dusk

I sent out my song through the city streets

And as it twisted and turned,

I was nervous it wouldn’t reach.

I sat well aware,

Knowing what is true,

And I prayed my song

Wouldn’t pass straight through you.

 

I hope you hear it and blink,

That it reels you in

And forces you to think

About what might have been.

What you know, what I know,

That’s incredibly true,

That I would really love

To spend an evening with you.

 

Life Lessons

As I get closer to my 25th birthday (it’s in August and I am just excited, okay?!) , I can’t help but feel that there is something extremely great on the horizon. I feel empowered and happier than ever and am so grateful for the opportunities I have had placed before me and the ones to come.

Recently, I have gone through a lot of changes. 24 was definitely a year of growth in many ways, even though sometimes it felt like pure hell. But the thing is, I have always been fortunate enough to have a guiding voice and hand in this life, even at the darkest hours. The voice has helped me to be self aware and to know what I need to do to get to where I want to be.

I was very down on myself for the past couple of months because I was going through a really rough time in my relationship and it was messing with my emotions more than I had ever experienced before. Because of that, the voice got very quiet. I felt weak and like I had lost my vibrancy, and I felt a lot less confident because everything to do with my relationship was playing on my mind constantly. Even if things were getting better, it wouldn’t take away the things that had happened and the way that I felt. I seriously believed that there was something wrong with me, that I have overreacted and that it would all disappear. I tried to move forward and was always genuinely honest about the way that I was feeling, thinking that that communication would free my mind from the constant emotional turmoil of things that had really left a harsh impact on me. But the truth is that deep down, I knew a part of me was not being true to myself, and there’s the rub.

Needless to say, despite my love for my boyfriend, I had to end things. It’s weird because all through my life I had never understood when people would say that their relationship had failed but they both still loved each other regardless of their differences and no longer being together. I had always thought that they would be able to get through it, because…well because LOVE! If you love someone, then you work hard to make things work when they get fuzzy or difficult. It just made the most sense in my mind until this experience.  Things are not always black and white and that sometimes only becomes evident through your own experiences.

So here are some lessons that I have learned over the past 24 years. Hopefully they speak to you and can help you to know that things will actually always be okay, no matter what occurs.

  1. Recognize that your emotions of negativity are valid, but do not cling to them for long at all. They do not define you. Learn to detach and move forward.
  2. Go through life with a sense of empathy and kindness. Everyone is going through something and it is easy to judge, but make the effort not to. Help and be there along the way.
  3. Surround yourself with people who make you happy and people who motivate you to be better.
  4. Go to new places and experience the world. It helps you to grow and be happier as well as de-clutter your mind.
  5. Let go of other peoples expectations of what you should be doing and think about what you want and how you will achieve it without comparing yourself to others.
  6. Take breaks from social media. It is a way to stop comparing your journey to someone else’s and to stop stalking people. Really. Social media has reached a new low in making sure you can see when someone is active, where they are and who they are with. This is borderline stalking, people.
  7. Be more decisive. Don’t let other people make decisions for you.
  8. Form your own opinions and do things that make you happy, without harming anyone else of course.
  9. Enjoy your youth! We only have one chance at being young. Take advantage and make plans to do the things we love! Don’t jump the gun or become overly anxious at the age of 21 that you are not at your peak of success. It will come. Just plant some seeds for now!
  10. Be more present.
  11. Follow your heart, but always be true to yourself. Relationship’s should NOT be difficult or strenuous on your mental and physical health. No matter what the other person is saying, if it is toxic you DO have the choice to end things, even if it might hurt for a bit.
  12. Start new hobbies!
  13. Don’t move too fast when starting a relationship. It can be exciting, but don’t make promises that you might not be able to keep in a years time.
  14. Your happiness is extremely important. You are too young to be miserable.
  15. You are amazing! Love your body, take care of it, expand your horizons without becoming overwhelmed. These things may take time for some, but make a conscious effort and make small habits that will stick with you throughout life and you will feel so much better. You have power over your life!  Don’t let the bastards get you down 😉

Guiding Hand

Illumination billows out in a fog-like state,

I am unsure if it is dangerous or safe.

It draws me near and caresses me still,

I love it immediately and know I always will.

I stare in awe, I stare with strong intent,

I know it can sense that I will not be bent.

I will not sway or run or abandon,

I know it would not choose me at random.

Forever grateful for my guiding hand,

Forever grateful that I will cover much land.

I am meant for the earth, though I am made of the stars,

I find solace in knowing that all we desire can be ours.