Endless Interjection

My admiration for you is intenible.

My fondness is unmatched.

It has been this way for a long time,

My dearest friend and partner in crime,

Pure family.

 

Yet, as of late,

You are gone.

Swept up in the passions of “love”.

And while I am happy for you,

I never believed our friendship could

suffer

from the interjection

of another.

 

Our bond could never be broken,

This I know,

Nor could it be ever changed,

But I just hope you know

I miss you.

 

Turbulence

The threat is there;

It looms ominously

Just waiting for you to let up.

But you won’t.

You are not easily shaken.

You do not allow your dreams to diminish

On a whim.

The pressure, the anxiety, the doubt

Is all overshadowed by

The diligence, the joy, and the sureness.

No turbulence can steal that,

So continue to trek forward

without looking back.

Ramblings of a (newly struggling) actor

It’s amazing what one day surrounded by nature can do for you. Whether it’s a forest or a sunshiny meadow or the beach…anything. ANYthing but New York City can make you feel at ease.

Don’t get me wrong, I love New York. Truly, madly, deeply. But this place can really make you question your sanity. I sincerely am grateful to live here for so many reasons, but also appreciate getting away whenever I can.

I have been trying not to get caught up in the fact that I am not currently on stage and performing in a show. I am, however, directing which is very exciting and rewarding, so to still be apart of the theater in some way is very satisfying. But I can’t shake this feeling of worry, this feeling of being held to the highest of standards. Most of the time I can keep it pretty hushed these days, but some days my mind runs wild and I panic over the fact that I am not “where I am supposed to be”, whatever that means.

I recently talked to some friends in the acting world who say that I inspire them and make them want to do their best, and while I really am very touched and excited by that, I always feel like I am somehow letting them down if I am not in the middle of working on a role. I have to rid myself of that idea. I got too used to things coming easily, to booking things quickly and being on the move. I got too comfortable in “success” that when I hit this little lull in my acting career, I started to freak the F out. I think that is only natural, as an artist and as a person, to be honest. But it eats me alive when I allow it too. Even if I have gone on a bunch of auditions, even if I tell myself I am doing super well, even if I inspire people around me and am always on the move, it eats me alive if I am not booking, even if it doesn’t remotely show.

Today I went to Cupsogue Beach in The Hamptons. One day away with my sister and brother-in-law getting tossed around in the waves and soaking up some rays was really cleansing. I took some time to just reflect (corny sounding but true) and I realized that what we feel is failure is an opportunity for growth and for experience. How you react to your perceived failure is what will make or break you. The other day I spoke to my friend who is also an actor and she said something that was pretty simple but also profound to me since I have been dealing with these sudden bursts of panic; she said that if you aren’t enjoying the journey, what is the point? Why do we do what we do? If everything came easily, would there be any growth for you as an actor or as a person?

As I lay in the sun earlier today, allowing the beams to heat my smiling face, I felt this so deeply within me. I know that this time in my life, this “lull”, is for experience. It’s for growth. It’s to propel me to the next level so that I can be learning constantly and defying the possibilities of what I thought I was capable of doing. I have time. TIME! I have time where I can travel, where I can learn new things and see new theater, where I can direct and spend time with friends and family. I’m young! How awesome is that?

This was a rant, yes. And maybe you aren’t a struggling artist, but every human struggles with something whether their lives seem perfect or not. They aren’t. And that’s what makes people interesting. Their journey, their triumphs, their low points, their passions and how they pursue them. You are always growing and learning and once you accept “failure” into your life, you can laugh it off and move forward towards your goals without getting too stuck on things.

 

Wonder

Sometimes you feel the rumblings of war,

or perhaps a symphony, the fullness of its score.

Other times, all falls silent

where you calm all vibration from turning

ultra-violent.

 

I wonder how your heart beats,

how it dances or smiles,

how it would create tidal waves

in my own heart for a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Time

I sat with my knees pulled close to my chest

And fluttered my eyes shut tightly,

To shield myself from the everlasting unrest

and forced myself to hum lightly.

 

I am now aware of what we shared,

That I was not real to you.

You really only put on airs,

To hide your endless blue.

 

Not pretty blue, not turquoise,

Or something of the like.

But something more of your choice,

That would continuously strike.

 

I tried to be fair to you,

Was always sure to be kind.

I see exactly what you are trying to do,

But I won’t fall for it.

Not this time.

 

 

Roaming

A field stands before me, before us all

where the tree’s loom ominously

growing by the second, wild and tall.

 

Everyone avoids the shade,

afraid,

afraid.

 

I tiptoe around the edges, delicate and quiet

nervous that, should shade find even the smallest patch of my skin,

I would have to start over

and wouldn’t know where to begin.

 

One lazy day, I took a nap near the brook

and when I awoke, it felt as though the earth shook.

I was shrouded in shadows, paralyzed with fear

I was certain that imminent failure was near.

 

Yet I trekked on, unafraid of the dark

and I learned how to roam freely,

singing my song

that could rival a lark’s.

For the shade was only temporary,

a teacher and friend,

and I am always embraced by sunshine

in the end.

 

 

Devil May Care

Moments began to flare

as if they were tumbling down from the atmosphere

I felt the intensity of my focused stare,

as I struggled to hold back any real tears.

 

I felt a sense of wonder, I felt a sense

of joy,

I knew the flames would hurt a bit,

but, deep down,

I knew it to be a ploy.

 

I approached the wreckage

with a grim half smile

I was expecting all to have been singed.

But just then I noticed something wild,

and had to know what was within.

 

It was a small box,

warm to the touch,

It had a certain kind of edge.

I tampered with it for a moment,

until I saw what it read.

 

‘Devil May Care”

I read aloud, confused and a bit thrown off,

I felt a real power here,

I didn’t dare scoff.

 

I took a peak inside,

admittedly scared of what I might find,

but the calm that I felt

helped to ease my mind.

 

It was my heart,

staring right back at me,

and it was glowing more than ever,

for it had been set free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Passing Notes

There is a part of me

that wants to sneak you a slip of paper.

Maybe under your door on a humid night,

Where I could slip away

and quickly turn vapor.

 

The paper wouldn’t be ordinary,

short and quaint,

but the moment you read it,

there would be no restraints.

 

At this moment,

I have no desire for anything more.

I know that it is not the right time,

but eventually we will both come upon that door.

And when we do,

I will be bold,

for I can foresee exactly

what this can hold.