Subway

A maze, a grid, a jungle,

A city filled with hunger.

Thirsty glances on the train,

hoping for a connection.

Intense stares with salivating mouths

as minds swiftly zoom,

fixation on the future begins to loudly boom.

Forgetting Identity.

Forgetting Humanity.

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End Of Day

The day has escaped;

It has dashed like a cricket, hopping out of

my hopeful hands and into what will only be

known as a savored memory.

I press my lips together and watch it sprint away,

curious for tomorrows promises and lessons,

excited for the endless progressions.

 

Touch of Rain

Sometimes life forces us to fly head first into situations we had never hoped to find ourselves in and leaves us feeling pretty barren, worried, or just plain weird. Recently, a lot of craziness has been happening in my world which has included loss of a loved one, having to move abruptly, and a job situation that I can no longer be giving my time to.

Although it has been a bit stressful and worrisome, I have learned to really calm down over things that I can’t really control and embrace the things that have helped me to get to this point. A lot of people I have talked to recently have had some major curve balls thrown at them in the start of this exciting new year, and if you are feeling that way, I wanted to share that things will only go up from here! Here are some tips of things that have helped me to feel a bit better.

  1. Reading a new book.
  2. Writing in my journal.
  3. Always doing my best with the given circumstances and knowing everything is going to work out. (And truly believing that!)
  4. Letting go of the things I cannot control but taking action for what I know I deserve.
  5. Being with friends and family and getting out of my head.
  6. Also allowing myself to enjoy solitude in times of panic to get to know myself in that way and what helps to calm me down.
  7. Taking one thing at a time. When you feel like everything is going wrong, it’s easy to start rattling off the things that aren’t too great at the moment. Instead, focus on the biggest thing that you do have control over and be kind to yourself in the process.
  8. BE IN NATURE. Go for a walk. Get away for a weekend. Plan a trip. Anything.
  9. Be active. Even when you don’t want to, simply doing even ten minutes of something active can help to get those endorphin’s running which will help to motivate you.
  10. Be mindful of what you are putting into your body. If you notice you are eating unhealthy snacks or fast food often, cut that out. Everything is okay in moderation, but knowing that these types of foods can have a negative effect on your overall energy is very important.

You deserve the best, and you deserve to be the best version of yourself possible! Despite your current circumstances, you are still you and you have a lot more control over things than you think you do in the realm of your thoughts. Set some goals. Give yourself time to mourn or worry, but remember that this is the one life (as far as we know) that we are given. So why not make the best of even the worst situations and trust that everything will work itself out? Because it always does. 🙂

In Hiding

Somehow you have caught up to me

yet again.

I had shrouded myself in everlasting sunshine

thinking that perhaps you would be warded off,

but we all know that you lurk in the shaded areas,

under tall oaks and twisted brambles,

waiting for a cloud to pass through the rays

to make your entrance.

 

You are not welcome here, but I accept your presence

as I know you come bearing seeds

which will sprout into magnificent creations

that will burst with light

once the sun peers out from behind the clouds.

And it always does.

ART

You gripped the brush

with an unsteady hand,

without much care,

and dipped it into each color of my rainbow.

Lazily, you brandished this brush like a sharp shard of glass

across my canvas

and bloodied it with the once vibrant colors,

saturating the material with brown splotches

of would-be happiness

until it dripped

and drowned.

 

Even when the lungs of the thing

were filled to the brim with water and paint,

it would not suffocate.

 

The black, muddy mixture

seeped out of my canvas

and took you along,

making it impossible for you to

ever

have access to my colors again

or to ever dream of looking upon my art.

For you can no longer project onto me

what you hoped I would be,

what you wished I would be,

for I am art once more

and that is something you will never see.

 

 

 

No One Else

If only for a slight glimmer of a moment,

I was encompassed by a thought;

A horrible, swarming, faceless devil of a thought

that screamed empty truths and scorched my soft skin.

I thought that

what you think of me

Is the truth.

That I have something to prove.

That my every move is being watched

And if I leap to the wrong stone,

I will Drown before all who once knew and believed in me.

 

But my memory saves me

and sends a whispering throughout every inch of my skin.

It gently reminds me that I have

Drowned before.

My heart has pounded and my lungs have almost given out,

But I have gone against the current,

I have smiled through it,

I have cried through it,

And escaped from it without a trace of doubt or pain.

 

So, if you ever feel lost at sea or as though others control

The Tempest of your life,

Stand tall and be humbled by the power that you yourself possess.

Sometimes others may create howling, icy winds

Or what may seem like inescapable whirlpools,

But you are a master explorer.

Only you have the map to your journey,

No On Else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Threshold

Beyond the threshold there is a gathering of lights.

pulsating vigorously and without care.

They are kind and filled with promise,

as they gently caress the air.

To capture even a glimpse in a lifetime is enough to

shake you from the soles of your shoes to the crown of your head,

for those lights will always guide you

you will never be misled.

The depths of a cave nor the shadows of the night

could ever possibly be enough

to shut out the comforting trappings of the lights.

 

 

 

 

Things I am really happy about right now :)

Here is some gratitude that runs through my head on the daily and as of late:

  1. My Grandmother from Puerto Rico was in New Jersey when the storm hit and is completely safe. We haven’t heard about her home yet and the island is suffering immensely, but I am truly thankful that she was here when the storm hit.
  2. I am in a new place with new people performing a musical everyday for the next 2 months and I am staying in a beautiful home and taking great care of myself while enjoying my time here and staying focused. I would also really like to volunteer here since they recently had a hurricane as well and really want to be more active as a member of society and help people and animals.
  3. I am talking to this guy that I really like and its very sweet, low pressure, and fucking fun! When I dated my ex boyfriend, even in the beginning I was not myself and saw red flags. I was not remotely having fun and was trying to make someone else happy. This is completely different and  I really enjoy every moment when we hang out. I’m not overthinking too much or expecting anything crazy. We are both actors and both recently got out of long relationships, but I really do like him and am just kind of interested in seeing where things go.
  4. My family is healthy and I get to see my sister, mom, and brother-in-law in less than a month when I visit Orlando for Horror Nights!
  5. I am constantly learning and growing and I am very grateful to have the people and experiences that I have had in my life.

Dedication

The past couple of weeks of my life have been quite a whirlwind that has come with a lot of change and excitement. This year has been so strange for me on many different levels with no real plan or way to know what was possibly going to happen. As always, I was throwing things to the wall and hoping that they would stick. Summer is always fairly quiet when it comes to auditioning, but I got called in for a company that was looking to work with me on a show in the Spring that I couldn’t do that now had a show that would tour all around Houston, Texas for the fall.

Welp, I ended up booking it and here I am in Houston in a beautiful air bnb! Over these past 2 weeks I have learned a musical in its entirety, staged it all, got someone to sublet my room for 2 months, informed my job and trained a new sitter, and prepared myself to be completely immersed in rehearsals and performances almost everyday for the next 2 months. I am super excited to be apart of this and also just so happy to be performing everyday. Being able to say I love what I do and it’s my daily job is really priceless. I’m a happy sponge 🙂

While I am here, I am going to try to focus in on a couple of things in my downtime. A year and a half ago, I was away doing a show and my castmate was so extremely dedicated to her work in her time off that it would constantly leave me wondering what she was up to. Is there really that much work to be done? Am I slacking? How do I get started? What is she even doing?!

The truth was, I WAS slacking. I didn’t have a laptop yet, was unsure of certain steps that I needed to take, and was too focused on a guy that ultimately was not good for me or my mental health. I honestly would not take any of it back, because now I am far more grounded in who I am, focused, and ready to go. I feel healthy, happy, motivated, and very lucky to be here and although I definitely plan to socialize and explore, I will also be keeping her work ethic in mind to accomplish the things that I want to do before this year comes to a close. (How the hell is it even possible that there are only 3 months until New Years Day?!)

So here are some things that I want to accomplish while I am here and I have already started to do so!

Save money, eat healthy/exercise at least 4 times a week (I started a fitness Instagram with Ruby to stay on track!), work on my website, schedule a photo session for when I am back, plan my trip to Norway, plan another trip before that, figure out student loan payments, read all of the books that I brought, write everyday, watch important shows and movies, bulk up on knowledge of theater’s I would like to work with.

Life is sweet. I’m excited.