To Do/ Bucket List: Summer Edition!

A couple of months back I made my bucket list on here. This is my summertime bucket list mixed with some ‘To Do’ list type things which I really look forward to checking off. So here we go with the top 10 as of now!

  1. Get 2 new tattoo’s
  2. Direct a show (x)
  3. Travel outside of the country
  4. Join a summer intensive acting course in the city
  5. Choose an acting studio for fall
  6. Sign up for MUA class to get my makeup certification
  7. Leave NYC as much as humanly possible to visit long island or upstate and rent a beach house, go to the beach, enjoy nature, etc.
  8. Go jet skiing and rock climbing
  9. Make my hair lighter or cut it
  10. Kayak on the hudson

Life Lessons

As I get closer to my 25th birthday (it’s in August and I am just excited, okay?!) , I can’t help but feel that there is something extremely great on the horizon. I feel empowered and happier than ever and am so grateful for the opportunities I have had placed before me and the ones to come.

Recently, I have gone through a lot of changes. 24 was definitely a year of growth in many ways, even though sometimes it felt like pure hell. But the thing is, I have always been fortunate enough to have a guiding voice and hand in this life, even at the darkest hours. The voice has helped me to be self aware and to know what I need to do to get to where I want to be.

I was very down on myself for the past couple of months because I was going through a really rough time in my relationship and it was messing with my emotions more than I had ever experienced before. Because of that, the voice got very quiet. I felt weak and like I had lost my vibrancy, and I felt a lot less confident because everything to do with my relationship was playing on my mind constantly. Even if things were getting better, it wouldn’t take away the things that had happened and the way that I felt. I seriously believed that there was something wrong with me, that I have overreacted and that it would all disappear. I tried to move forward and was always genuinely honest about the way that I was feeling, thinking that that communication would free my mind from the constant emotional turmoil of things that had really left a harsh impact on me. But the truth is that deep down, I knew a part of me was not being true to myself, and there’s the rub.

Needless to say, despite my love for my boyfriend, I had to end things. It’s weird because all through my life I had never understood when people would say that their relationship had failed but they both still loved each other regardless of their differences and no longer being together. I had always thought that they would be able to get through it, because…well because LOVE! If you love someone, then you work hard to make things work when they get fuzzy or difficult. It just made the most sense in my mind until this experience.  Things are not always black and white and that sometimes only becomes evident through your own experiences.

So here are some lessons that I have learned over the past 24 years. Hopefully they speak to you and can help you to know that things will actually always be okay, no matter what occurs.

  1. Recognize that your emotions of negativity are valid, but do not cling to them for long at all. They do not define you. Learn to detach and move forward.
  2. Go through life with a sense of empathy and kindness. Everyone is going through something and it is easy to judge, but make the effort not to. Help and be there along the way.
  3. Surround yourself with people who make you happy and people who motivate you to be better.
  4. Go to new places and experience the world. It helps you to grow and be happier as well as de-clutter your mind.
  5. Let go of other peoples expectations of what you should be doing and think about what you want and how you will achieve it without comparing yourself to others.
  6. Take breaks from social media. It is a way to stop comparing your journey to someone else’s and to stop stalking people. Really. Social media has reached a new low in making sure you can see when someone is active, where they are and who they are with. This is borderline stalking, people.
  7. Be more decisive. Don’t let other people make decisions for you.
  8. Form your own opinions and do things that make you happy, without harming anyone else of course.
  9. Enjoy your youth! We only have one chance at being young. Take advantage and make plans to do the things we love! Don’t jump the gun or become overly anxious at the age of 21 that you are not at your peak of success. It will come. Just plant some seeds for now!
  10. Be more present.
  11. Follow your heart, but always be true to yourself. Relationship’s should NOT be difficult or strenuous on your mental and physical health. No matter what the other person is saying, if it is toxic you DO have the choice to end things, even if it might hurt for a bit.
  12. Start new hobbies!
  13. Don’t move too fast when starting a relationship. It can be exciting, but don’t make promises that you might not be able to keep in a years time.
  14. Your happiness is extremely important. You are too young to be miserable.
  15. You are amazing! Love your body, take care of it, expand your horizons without becoming overwhelmed. These things may take time for some, but make a conscious effort and make small habits that will stick with you throughout life and you will feel so much better. You have power over your life!  Don’t let the bastards get you down 😉

Running Free


The misty air encapsulates me,

I can barely see two inches in front of my face.

The comfort of the never ending greenery,

creates a sense of peace that is intricate and pure,

much like white lace.

 

I do not think about it much,

I do not take it for granted,

I simply breathe in the touch,

and like a dandelion

blown towards the sun,

I allow my soul to run, run, run.

Iridescent

There is a softness, a stillness

that is a bit lost, but a willingness

a force nature, water colors mixed on the paper.

Color spewing from every which way

glowing, inviting, exhilarating, a beam of light in my day.

It glimmers and it dances about

and sometimes it even hides and refuses to come out.

When it hides behind the branches, it goes astray

But I know where to find it at the end of the day.

Sometimes it is an exhibit for all to see,

Sometimes it is meant for only me, or someone like me.

I nurture it and cradle it in my arms,

I can feel its energy through to my palms.

My heart races

I hold it close in my embrace.

It is what I am made up of, it keeps me warm

It guides me through the wildest of storms.

Sometimes it disappears, but that is very rare

I can feel it constantly,

I know it’s still there.

It ignites me, lights me, inspires me to no end,

And I know the road ahead is filled with beautiful bends.

Bends that will challenge me and lead me to success,

To a life I have created without the overwhelming need to impress.

I will smile and be bright

And share my light while I ride on through.

 

Within

I am effervescent.

My bubbles sometimes pop, but they always fly

and if they dissipate into thin air, I have learned to give a cheerful goodbye.

I am unafraid of whats next.

My success is carved into every organ, every part of my skin,

it is within, it is within.

My skin feels safe, clear and pure

it is home and I live without fear.

I have pulled the lever of doubt, I have guided the butterflies gently out.

I pounce forward without an ounce of regret.

I am bold and filled with youth,

I feel powerful all the way through to my fingertips

I need no validation.

I am effervescent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chaotic Nature

I recently had this thought where I imagined everyone on earth was required to write a very detailed book on each year of life until death. It would form one large book that would be saved and documented for eternity for people to peruse as they please throughout their own lives. Of course, there has always been the analogy of treating years or certain parts of our lives as “chapters” or “seasons”. But what if we actually had to keep detailed documentation of our lives? What if we all took into account that every action and decision, no matter how small or mundane, would truly effect the quality and outcome of our lives?

People are so afraid of countless things in life that actually inhibit them from living a fulfilling and exciting life. Rejection, failure, anxiety, overthinking, other peoples wants or needs, money and more are all examples of what seems to get in the way of life being lived to the fullest and achieving their goals. I’ve seen it in friends, family, loved ones, and, of course, myself! It’s all around us! Like our brains start to freak out a bit about what will happen if you take that job or if you want to go out that night or if the audition went well. That being said, it’s also important just make a decision. Decisions are usually dragged out, stressful, and can consume your thoughts. Just take the risk or do what you feel is best and go for it. And if chaos comes as a part of that, then savor all of those times of struggle and uncertainty because whether it is the greatest time of your life or the darkest, you are growing. You may want to punch people in the face or cry or scream or jump for joy, but through it all, you are growing.

Everything is temporary. I have learned that as an actor, friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, and person that the faster you learn that, the easier things are. Plus, if something is pretty shitty then I mean…you KNOW it isn’t forever, even if you feel like it is. you have to treat yourself like your best friend.

Here is a list of some random things, some great and some not-so-great,  off of the top of my head that have helped to me grow tremendously. (There are plenty of other things but these are the first things that really came to mind).

  1. Traveling to different countries (especially my first visit to England) and around the U.S
  2. Auditioning and being cast!
  3. Auditioning for huge casting directors and walking away feeling like I had no idea what just happened.
  4. Allowing my entire apartment to be taken over for 4 full days with a 17 person crew with little to no space, our rooms being completely taken over, having our bathtub overflow for a scene, and shooting for 12 hours each day.
  5. Being surrounded by people on tour, living situations, and situations where I really just wanted space but couldn’t get that.
  6. Visiting my 90 year old grandmother.
  7. My parents getting divorced.
  8. Every romantic relationship I have been apart of.
  9. Taking a year off from college and then deciding to go back to school and moving to NYC without knowing where I was going to live or how I was going to pay rent.
  10. Working random odd jobs.

The truth of the matter is, it is really easy to look at this list and think about how some of the situations might seem amazing while others seem less than ideal. Some were decisions, some were out of my control. Either way it is how you handle chaotic situations and know that you will actually benefit from it in the end that defines how your life is going to go. Far too often on my Facebook feed or in real life, I hear and see people complaining and focusing on the negative. I see people treating each other without respect or with frustration because of their own problems and current situations. Of course, letting off steam is healthy. But treating yourself and the people who care about you most like shit because you aren’t happy with where you are at in your personal life is unfair and that has to be realized.

The point here is, we all know everyone has their own struggles and  you have to try and embrace all moments in life. Sometimes it may seem like things are falling apartbut just remember to swim under the wave. It is not going to last forever and the more you know and accept that, the quicker that really shitty time in your life will seem less and less of an issue and instead, just a part of life that is actually placed before you to help you grow! The concept may seem strange, because the natural reaction and easier thing to do is to react negatively to situations that you don’t like. But taking the time to get annoyed or upset and then let it all go will be far more beneficial than walking around with all of that excess baggage that may end up changing the course of your life.