Fear

Clarity is grown from action.

Action is found in consistency,

Consistency buds from awareness,

Awareness is built in self-reflection.

Self-reflection spawns from stagnancy.

Stagnancy is riddled with fear.

Fear is at the root.

Fear is a bundle of weeds and wildflowers.

There is no way to prevent fear from growing,

but it can be tamed, groomed, and sometimes used

to embellish and enhance a thriving bouquet.

The goal is not to eradicate fear,

it is to grow alongside it.

Fear is an opportunity,

not a hindrance.

Let it be there

and do it anyway.

It may be

the greatest companion

you ever encounter.

 

 

 

 

Out of your mind and into your body

Hello world!

I just wanted to share a little something on here that I feel could be helpful for other people who may have gone through or are experiencing the same things. This is not an easy subject for me, or for most people, to talk about but it is highly relevant and nothing to be ashamed of and I want to shed some light on the subject as well as give my heart over with advice and reassurance that you or whoever is going through this is going to be all good. So. Here we fuckin’ go.

ANXIETY.

I am going to start by saying that I never truly experienced what it was like to feel anxious in large doses until about a month ago. Of course, there were times where I would feel momentarily anxious, especially before heading on stage or making a big decision, but that feeling would almost immediately dissipate. Most of the time, I am feeling pretty calm, I enjoy my solitude, and I also enjoy being around people!

Not this time.

Long story short, I made a very big decision that landed me back in NYC in a crazy situation with no job and the heat of a humid, smelly, New York Summer. On my way back, I thought that my shit was going to be on lock. I thought that a job was gonna roll on through, that I would start working on a show, and that I would immediately gain back any momentum that I had sneakily tried to trick into thinking that I hadn’t thrown it off. But alas, it was not as unnoticeable as I thought. The universe had plans to toughen me up, and boy did it shake me. Hard.

THE SYMPTOMS

Well, I have always had a little bit of a tendency to overthink, but that was never really accompanied by much and left on its merry way because usually, I make sure to weed it out. However, this time, the overthinking came and it would. Not. Stop. It would go in circles, saying crazy things that weren’t even remotely true about myself and making me feel like a failure. It got to the point where the stress was so intense that I began to experience physical symptoms. For about 2 weeks straight, this was the reality of the day to day struggle with mental health:

1. waking up to my heart racing/ heart racing throughout the day
2. shaking
3. losing sleep
4. gagging/vomiting/nausea
5. wanting to be alone but also needing someone there
6. the evil loop of doom going on in my brain
7. tension headaches
8. Feeling inadequate or stupid, like I couldn’t hold a conversation (even though that was never an issue for me before)

I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had never experienced anything like it. I did everything I possibly could to alleviate the constant torturous thoughts but it was still a very real and very scary struggle.

Here are some things that helped me to get through that time. I’m still coming out of it and learning to manage anything that may come up on the daily, but for the most part I am thankfully feeling back to myself. I just want to let you know that if you are feeling anxiety, you are not alone. Most people experience this in heavy doses on a regular basis, or at least once in their lives. I know it can feel like you are transparent, like everyone knows, and like your personality and well being are being hijacked, but believe me when I say that it will pass. It doesn’t have to be something that rules you. YOU rule you. So, here is what I did that has really helped me along the way because let me tell you, I was terrified, but I knew that there were ways to help myself.

HELPFUL PLANS OF ACTION

1. Talking to someone. Whether that is a friend, family member, or therapist, take the time to express your thoughts out loud to another human being. It may feel like you are burdening someone with your own thoughts and issues, but that’s not the case. The truth is that even just one true friend who is there to listen and give you advice through the hard times will be ten thousand times more valuable than keeping it locked up in your head.
2. If you feel you aren’t ready to speak with someone, write it down. Get angry, get real, let the word vomit flow. Just get it out of your head.
3. Do your best not to isolate yourself. Even on those mornings when I would be getting sick and was shaking like a leaf, I knew I had to make an effort to be around other people. Even if it’s one friend every other day, it makes a difference and will help you to stay social and take your mind off of things for a time.
4. Make sure you are eating. I lost about 7 pounds during this process. It was not something I was excited about and it freaked me out because I love food and have maintained a steady healthy weight all of my life. If something like this is happening to you, make sure that you focus on getting your three main meals of the day in, even if you want to gag. Your body needs the nutrients. And make sure to drink a lot of water as well! Also, if it gets intense, please be sure to see a doctor. I ended up going to get everything checked out and make sure that it wasn’t something else.
5. Spend time with yourself. Get to the root of the issue. I immediately knew that the reason why anxiety came to visit was because I made a major life change without much of a back up plan and it was scary not having a routine and feeling like everyone else had it together. (No one really has it together, and that’s ok!) Find out why these feelings are coming and investigate them deeply. Watch videos that are helpful and inspiring to keep you moving in the right direction. Do things that usually make you happy, even if you lack the motivation to do so.
6. create a routine. If your week is a blank canvas, that can be daunting or it can be a week of opportunity! Even if you are broke, there are things that can be done to better yourself. Read a book, start a new hobby, write out a routine for exercise, bring your laptop to your local cafe and write, make plans with friends or family, plan a trip, make lists of things that make you happy or things your want to accomplish, explore in nature, go for a drive, go to the beach, do anything that will help to get you out of bed and out of the house. Out of your head and into your body.
7. Cultivate gratefulness and be kind to others. I know this is part of everyone’s guidelines, but its true. Take the time out to be thankful for the friends, family, shelter, jobs, passions, etc in your life. If you put your issues on the table with some others, you would most likely wanna take yours back. Be kind to strangers and genuinely focus and listen when you ask someone how they are doing. Make a list of gratefulness right after releasing all of the negative bullshit and trust that it will get better. It always does.
8. Finally, accept it for what it is. The more that you try to fight against anxiety, the stronger it becomes. The more you psych yourself out, the more your insecurity grows. If you are “off of your game”, spend time with friends who wont judge you for it. You don’t have to impress anyone right now or ever, really. (People pleasers like myself can find this to be a difficult concept to grasp, but you don’t always have to be ON for people to like you for you. You aren’t one dimensional. You are human.) Please, give less thought to what other people think. That is a main theif of happiness.Take a step back from friendships that you think won’t be helpful at this time. Take time off from social media if you have a habit of comparing yourself. Work on YOU and your heart and your mind and spirit. Spend time looking up people you admire and know that they, too, have probably gone through this before. I would not wish anxiety on my worst enemy, but it is manageable and you can and will make it through. Please let me know if there is any specific information that you want. Also, below are a list of some books and material that helped me to focus in and face this beast head on.

BOOKS

Get Your Sh*t Together- Sarah Knight

You Are A Badass- Jen Sincero

Failing Up- Leslie Odom Jr.

How To Relax- Thich Nhat Hanh

Big Magic-Elizabeth Gilbert

PODCASTS

Oprah- Super Soul Sundays

TED Talks

The Positive Head

Earn Your Happy

Any material you can find with Mel Robbins. She is KILLER.

 

This is not easy, but it is possible to persevere and get back into a healthy mindset. Accepting it for what it is and knowing that when it passes, you will be stronger and more self aware in a healthy way will be such a wave of relief that you may even forget about what it feels like at all. And should it rear its ugly head again, you will know how to handle it better. Cultivate love, trust, and strength within yourself and you are unstoppable. Easier said than done, but it is possible and will happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A tale from the audition room: Story 1

Audition season is among us. That being said, let the games begin.

Auditions, submissions, video requests, lessons, headshot prints, and dusting off the ol’ music book has arrived. It’s here. Tis time. And with this whirlwind of a few months comes some…interesting tales worthy of being documented. There are some old stories that I may recount on this blog, for short stories of odd happenings in my life will probably become a theme on here which will include everything from theater to crazy subway encounters to wild travel stories to a bit of advice here and there. But this…this is fresh off the press…and it’s one for the books.

Every time January comes around I get this weird feeling in my stomach. I’m leaving behind a whole year and, contrary to how insanely quick the years are starting to hurry along, a lot happens in a year. Great successes, even greater failures, friendships and relationships form, family’s grow, and you grow a whole lot as a person within a year, whether you believe it or not. I really sit at the top of January as though it were a massive mountain; on the side of the mountain behind me are all of the things mentioned before, the successes and failures, the good and the challenging, the things that have brought me to where I am now. Letting go of all that no longer serves me and holding close to my heart the happiness and gratitude of being able to say that I have another year ahead of me with endless possibilities. This side of the mountain is evergreen with the sun streaming through the sparse clouds, the grass fresh and the flowers tall and strong. It feels warm and welcoming. And then I turn to see the other side of the mountain aka apocalypse now. That’s a very exaggerated comparison, but you get it. It’s scary and cold and empty. You call into the abyss and there is no answer. Sure, there may be a few things you have planned, but if you are anything like me and/or also are an actor, then you may know this feeling. Acting has no real sense of stability until you really get your career going. I mean it can for a while, but then it goes away and you scramble to make the next gig happen while trying to find a flexible job that will put up with your constant wavy schedule of auditions and callbacks. But if I am being honest here, I love it. And that’s why January is terrifying yet exciting because I know that that cold, scary, desolate side of the mountain can look even better than the beautiful fields behind me.

All of that being said, I get to work as soon as January rolls around. I submit for everything. Soprano ingenue? You got it. Shakespeare? Done and done. New contemporary play? I’m your gal. Triple threat? My heart pounds. My palms get sweaty, much like Eminem’s. My jaw clenches. Triple threat means…I have to dance? Also? What? No. So…dancing is not my strong point. I can’t even say it’s a point for me. I would actually say I would rather give an old man a sponge bath rather than go to a dance call. The thing is, my skills in singing and acting are strong. I have been working on them for over 13 years and so far, so good. I have been very lucky to have played leading characters often who just don’t have to dance. I thought maybe if they really wanted someone and it wasn’t for a character who had to dance,  then maybe I could somehow skate around dance calls and get in the room just to act and sing. Oh…I was wrong. I have a couple of tales with dance calls, but my most recent run in goes a little something like this:

A couple of months ago I was on tour for a musical that was traveling up and down the east coast. This was an especially interesting time to be traveling in America because of the insanity that was this election, but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, one day on tour everyone was sitting in the van and somehow the Broadway show The Great Comet Of 1812 came up. All that I knew about said musical was that Josh Groban was the lead in it, but other than that I hadn’t had a chance to listen to the music yet.  The conversation somehow got around to everyone in the car stating that that would be a good show for me to research since they believed that it would be a good fit for me. It kind of went in and out of my mind since we were still touring and the opportunity to audition had never presented itself…until January. The month of all months. The fresh start.

I was walking off of the subway when my friend from tour messaged me with details for submitting for the show. She had said that it was meant to be and that I needed to submit “Now, now, now!”. I quickly heeded her advice and sent over my info, not really truly expecting to hear back anytime soon. A few days passed by and suddenly I received an email from Great Comet asking me to come in for an Actor/ Instrumentalist audition. I immediately realized I needed to rent or borrow a viola, and that if that was taken care of maybe I could actually have a tiny shot at making it into the show. I studied the show and listened to the music, getting myself into the right mindset for what to wear and what song to play on viola. I saw that on the audition it had stated that there would be a movement call. I thought nothing of it, thinking movement would be fine and that all would be well. Ha…ha ha. WOOOOO.

I arrived to the audition to see that there were about 14 other people auditioning as well. They all had their respective instruments and were stretching and doing their pre-audition rituals. I looked at my viola like a good friend would look at you for support, and did my own little pre-audition ritual which usually just consists of me finding my own space and trying not to gag from being nervous. Suddenly, the monitor came into the room and informed us that we would all be doing movement first in one of the rooms over. Just movement, I thought, nothing too crazy. As I looked around the room, I felt comfortable and ready for what was to come. There was a huge casting director in the room who introduced himself and told us what he was looking for. It seemed understandable enough ad we were all ready to go to work. The movement choreographer then stepped in front of the room and this is where it starts to get blurry for me. All I remember is her saying that she could see there were a lot of musicians in the room and that dance may not be our strong point, but golly gee we should put that in the back of our minds and focus on the dance we were about to learn. The dance. Dance.She has said the D word. I probably looked like a lost child in Macy’s when she uttered those words. I immediately got 4 temperatures hotter. Everything seemed to go into slow motion. I imagined the casting director laughing maniacally as I was dancing horribly with strings attached to me like I was some demented puppet. Before my imagination could rum any wilder, the dancing began. The beginning seemed easy enough…it was kind of like cotton eye Joe. Cool, it thought, not so bad. And then the speed went up to be about 4 times faster and it was like math to me. I was trying so hard to follow and figure out the steps that I would forget the previous once. I would trip over my feet and swirl around at the wrong part. I would look around and it seemed like almost everyone else was picking this up but a few other hopeless stragglers. Then, much quicker than anticipated, we were thrown into smaller groups to perform for the casting director. He called my name and said it wrong like 3 times, so he knew who I was for sure after asking how to properly pronounce it. Kill me, I thought. Just light me on fire. We did it once through and I honestly felt like I was on drugs. I couldn’t seem to remember much, my heart was racing, my arms were stiff while my legs were like noodles. It was not a pretty sight. Once everyone finished, they had to evaluate and see who’s headshots they would be keeping to see more dancing from. Isn’t this an Actor/Instrumentalist call? I wondered. Not to my surprise, I was not kept for more dance. I took the viola that I paid to rent, grabbed my notorious black backpack, and went on my merry way feeling a bit deflated.

It’s easy to get discouraged. I left and was like “Welp. Musical theater calls for dancing…I have been lucky for a long time but now having to dance is catching up with me. This may be the end of the line for musical theater and I.”. But the truth is, I have to remember that I have actually booked a leading role based off of my horrible dance call for a summer theater company. They found it funny and endearing and thought that it fit the character. After some pushing away the negative thoughts with help from my boyfriend and my best friend, I kept this and mind and just thought that I guess it’s time to take some…dance…classes. The tears are real, everyone. But the moral of this particular story is…there will be plenty of failure. But from failure, there is also massive success because you are growing. So keep on going and keep on growing!

Ch-Ch-Changes

Being in your early 20’s is really weird. Basically, you find yourself in strange situations that you never had to deal with before such as going to the post office or calling to get out of jury duty or buying milk. Weird. But what is really strange about your 20’s is the way things change.

Since I was about eleven years old (?) I have been the same exact person…I think. Of course, there has been a lot that has happened since then that has helped me to become the woman I am today. I have had great, insane, extremely fortunate adventures and don’t plan on having those end any time soon. I always think about this idea of a world that requires every single human being to write a book about their lives before they die. Like a true, real requirement before death and if they don’t complete it, there is some sort of major consequence like a version of hell or listening to country music on a loop until the end of time. Of course, many people compare life to a book and how there are different chapters. But what if for some reason at the end of each year we were all required to tell the truth in detail about each and every day of the year that was coming to an end only to compile them all into a selection of books ranging from birth to death? Obviously, anything before age 9 might be difficult to have captured by you yourself, but maybe the parent would be required to write theirs and yours? Who knows.

Okay. I got off topic. ANYWAY. I have been greatly influenced by the things that have happened to me, but I don’t rightly know if I have drastically changed as a person before. Sometimes you see people and they have had a major change in attitude, appearance, career, mentality, etc. I still think Spongebob (only the old episodes not this new fangled garbage they are trying to pass off) is an incredible source of comedy. I still have the same two best friends. I still do acting and singing and have never doubted that that will be what I do with my life. It’s interesting. But when you are in your 20’s, suddenly things around you begin to change and you question yourself and you are just going along with it because, well, that is how life works. You have to pay rent, bills, schedule appointments and meetings, buy groceries, go to work all while maintaining sanity, a good relationship with friends and family, and most of the time dating. These times are sometimes manageable, but most of the times at least one or more of these things are in complete chaos. I find myself worrying about moneyandthenextgigandmyrelationshipandfamilyandfriends pretty often. I also find that I am so aware of the changes that the people closest to me are going through and how it really can effect those around them and even themselves. You notice that your friend group starts to shrink and that the people who really care and matter most will always find a way to make time for you and be there for you, even if you haven’t talked for months.

I am very lucky to have my close friends in my life. I’m not sure what I would do without them. I have seen them all endure changes. Some bad, some amazing, some life changing. But they have always remained in my life. I guess what this whole post is about is just…have patience with the changes. Sometimes things will seem like the end of the world and you will have to start all over from scratch. That’s okay. Sometimes you will feel like you have no one in this world. You do. More than you know. Sometimes things will feel like they will last forever when it seems things aren’t going your way. And sometimes you think you have all of your ducks in a row with no cares and something or someone comes out of nowhere and throws you off completely. It’s all okay. That’s part of life and is placed before you  to challenge you and help you to grow, not to drastically change every single part of who you are. People are so resistant to change. They are worried that if they leave their job, their lover who things aren’t going well with, change their look, meet new people, travel to new places, that it will all change them as a person or change their lives drastically. The truth is, you won’t really change that much, you will just have more experience and will be growing and learning. Don’t be afraid. Most of the time, we know what is best for us and what will make us happiest. And sometimes, that means a little bit of change is in order.

Flying by the seat of my pants. Always.

Deciding to pursue an acting career came to me at the ripe young age of eleven. I thought (and still do believe) that everything was perfectly decided for me, as though the fates had reached out to me specifically to grant me with a golden ticket to knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Previous to this, I had wanted to be a singing soccer player who also happened to be a veterinarian because it sounded easy enough. Isn’t it funny how when we are kids we have absolutely no inhibitions? We questioned everything without much fear. Now it’s hard to smile to a person on a busy NYC street without fearing that they won’t smile back. I digress.

I felt a certain amount of confidence, passion, and pressure all at once as soon as I knew what I wanted to do. Now with every coming school show or family party I was expected to get the leading character and do a song and dance for friends and loved ones. If i didn’t get nominated for an award related to acting or music, it would be a shock for everyone. If my voice cracked it would be a question of if I had vocal nodules or if I had been rehearsing enough. If I had an off day on stage, it would be a serious talk from a professor saying that if I want to succeed then off days weren’t much of an option. And thus began the beginning of my seemingly endless anxiety.

Having anxiety, for me, is both amazing and horrendous. It’s like you have a little friend who is like “ALLLLLLRIGHT! TIME TO GET UP! TIME TO MAKE SOME MAGIC! LETS! BE! PRODUCTIVE!!!!” but there’s the rub: I literally cannot sit still half the time and I constantly feel like I have to be putting myself out there yet won’t know how which will only increase my anxiety. Let me be clear, anxiety does not run my life. However, it is something that I have to face more times than I would like to admit and plays a role in how I get things done.

This can especially come into play when I am auditioning and particularly with singing. I am working on it and getting better, but it just seems like when I have this pressure on me the audition room makes my brain think I need to overcompensate when I sing and I am not sure why. Want me to read sides? Amazing. Want me to do a monologue? EVEN better. I am so excited to do only acting related things but ask me to sing another song and my heart feels like it has been put through a spike. This was especially evident when I was called in to audition for the hit musical Hamilton. Yes. Hamil-mother-f’ing-ton. I sat staring at the email asking me to come to an audition in awe and in a strange fog for about 45 minutes straight before realizing I had to cancel all plans for the next 42 hours and focus on learning the material, which was all music. No sides. No monologues. Just music. I did it and it went very well and I am here to tell the tale but let me tell you, I don’t really know if there is any other way to scare the shit out of me after that. That is all.

Anxiety is interesting when you are an actor because…well…all you do is deal with instability. But I love that because it’s a challenge, and I am always up for a good challenge. I am constantly flying by the seat of my pants and working random jobs to get by in this life of sin. (I will go more into detail about said jobs in another post because you…you just aren’t prepared. From working on a farm with a strange overly sexual old man to tending to the richest people as a baby sitter to painting myself blue for a bar, I have seen some weird things.) I am still learning to deal with the instability financially, but have recently landed a stable and flexible gig that I really am thankful for every day. Now I am just in the midst of getting things in balance, which always is a bit of a fun struggle. And of course there is the universal understanding that everything cannot really actually be in balance all at once and that really is okay.

It took me a really long time to accept that one day I might come across someone who really doesn’t like me. That was an idea that made me very anxious. I had never really actually had a problem with anyone. My two best friends always called me Switzerland because I chose to remain neutral, unless something was clearly unfair. I have only met about one or two people that outwardly do not like me and it took me a really long time to be okay with it. It would consume my thoughts, leading me to believe false truths and question myself and wonder if what they believed of me was actually true. I would walk around thinking about it, sit on the subway obsessing and calculating how I could make things better. But then one day I realized; these are the only people who have an issue with me and the truth is…it’s okay. Who cares? There is so much happening in the world…how could I be focusing on this when people were starving or going through so much worse all around me? I looked at the tired faces on the subway and knew so many people had so many different stories and lives going on and almost felt ashamed that I was sitting here obsessing over some people who were never even close to me. Not to mention, I have so much love in my life. SO much. And so much support and kindness and I am extremely fortunate.

It is easy to let anxiety run your life like a bully who pushes you around and constantly wipes their boogers on you. But the truth is, you can become friends with your anxiety if you can be patient with yourself and slow down for a second. Appreciate where you are, who you have, where you want to be, and what you have done. You are very loved whether you believe that or not and are important to at least one other human being on this planet, but usually to a lot more than just one. Try not to be crippled by thinking of the future so much that it consumes your present and distorts your past. It’s hard to face it head on, but at the end of the day you will appreciate the motivation anxiety offers without allowing it to put you down. You are in control. You run the operation. When your heart speeds out of control, remember to breathe and know that no matter what you will get through the hard times. Whether that means making a major change in your life or just simply allowing some time to pass while you go through what you go through, allow it to happen and keep your head held high. I am not an expert. I still have anxiety attacks sometimes and worry about my future but it is never too late to take a second, observe what is making you feel pain or confusion or panic and say to yourself that it may be time for change or maybe some time to yourself to relax. It’s okay. It will always be okay.