Secret Weapon

So, this is not something I have really discussed outwardly on here, but you can kind of grasp through some of my poetry (since when am I a poet????) and other writing that I am a big believer in the law of attraction and having control over your own destiny. For example, the poem that I wrote called “Guiding Hand” or any time i speak about light, it is usual in reference to spirit or to the law of attraction.

It sounds a little kooky at first, but it really is true that what you put out comes back to you. If you are constantly focusing on what you don’t have and complaining that life sucks and that you are nowhere near your goals, that is only going to continue to happen. It may seem difficult for some to train your brain to believe that everything is going to work out, but nothing great ever really happens over night. It takes time and practice and dedication; you create habits that support your goals instead of being inactive, you become more self aware and are more happy because of it. You find out what is good for you and what makes you happy vs. things that have been bringing you down or creating a sense of comfortable laziness.

Throughout my life I have been very lucky to have known about the law of attraction without really knowing that it is called. Because of that, I have had a lot of opportunity, success, and have brought wonderful people into my life. Strange phenomenons would happen all of the time that would be in congruence with things that I had put out, whether that meant through writing, focused energy, or speaking it out loud. I would truly believe that everything was going to be okay, and usually its better than okay.

I ask for signs a lot, especially when I am going through an uncertain time. When I was in my last relationship, I wasn’t sure what was happening and that was a hard burden to keep to myself. One day in the very thick of it, I was babysitting. The kids that I babysit can sometimes have behavioral issues and this was in the second month of me working there. I knew that I had to take one of them to buy a gift, so we walked into a toy store. While this was happening, I was preoccupied with the thoughts of my relationship almost constantly. It would bring me down more than I have ever experienced before. I would think about it on the train, at work, when I was out with friends, anytime I looked at my phone, with family, in my room. It was endless. I had recently made a statement out loud that asked for a sign of positivity to get back the feeling I was used to, because it felt lost. Boy, did I get a huge sign.

I will shorten this up a bit, but I ended up losing my wallet that day at work in an unfamiliar part of Brooklyn while caring around a hungry 7 year old. I tried to remain calm because we had only walked 2 blocks before realizing I could have left it at the toy store. The 7 year old was remarkably patient, helpful, and had not a single tantrum or attitudinal issue. I was immediately grateful because it was getting late, he hadn’t eaten dinner, and we had been walking back and forth for a very long time seeing if we could spot the wallet in the snow. No luck.

We went to the toy store and random stores along the way, searching to see if we had somehow missed it or maybe someone brought it into someplace nearby. The feeling of panic was very faint. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt like everything would be okay. I knew my insurance card, credit cards, unlimited metrocard, money, Id, and everything else in there was out there somewhere but that I would be seeing it again somehow. Maybe. Hopefully. Finally, I was at the end of my rope. Keep in mind I had 4% phone battery. I told the kid I babysit that we tried our best, but we should try to go home. I looked down at my soon-to-be-dead phone and saw a random number had called. I thought nothing of it.

We started to make our way to the train and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of defeat as I asked if I could use his school metrocard to get on the train and figure out the rest later. I suddenly thought that maybe it would be a good idea to call the person back. Maybe it was a casting call! I called them back and a woman named Christine answered. Earlier that day, I had emailed with a woman named Christine about an audition. I immediately deflated somehow thinking that this could have been related to my wallet. But, to my surprise, Christine actually had found my wallet and had looked me up online to find my phone number. She said she had searched long and hard to match up my information, and that she had seen m wallet in the snow and picked it up to try to get it back to the owner. She said that everything seemed to be in it still and that we could meet her at a restaurant nearby to pick it up. She gave me the address, and my phone died.

No google maps to rely on, I tried to remember every detail about where she said she would be. A woman on the street came up to me and asked if I needed help and pointed me in the right direction. About 45 minutes later, we found the right place and my wallet was safely returned to me with every single thing still intact. I felt tremendous appreciation and love and overall thankfulness. I tried to buy her and her date some drinks, but she just told me to pay it forward.

The sign I had been looking for to show me that something positive was still within me and outside of me had appeared before my eyes. It was the perfect metaphor for what was happening in my life; everything was seeming difficult, lost, and like an overall struggle. But there was a light there. It had never even gone away, I just let it slip past me for a second.

We, as Americans, are very self-absorbed in what makes us feel negativity. The world is faced with horrible, inescapable situations and we sit here upset about a relationship that is making us unhappy or a job that is not fulfilling or a cup of coffee that spilled on our new jacket. Yeah, those things suck ,but they are fixable and don’t need a negative focus. Put a positive spin on it all and you will find that you are strong enough to make a decision about your relationship, that you look for a job that will make you happier, that you wash out that coffee stain and move on with your life. Everything comes back to you and the universe is a friendly place, so practice staying positive, set goals, get out there, do things that you like, help people (even a simple smile on the subway can make someones day), and move on with your life knowing that you have the power to get what you want, big and small, if you focus the right energy on it. Remember, it’s a lot easier to give into negativity. Don’t choose the easy path. 😉


Well Wishes

Before I lay my head down to rest,

I sent a whisper through the air.

I hoped it would reach across an ocean

and that it would put you at ease,

even though I am no longer there.

I wrapped it in the beauty we possessed,

I wrapped it in silk love,

I wrapped it in when we were at our best,

Where dewy nights and absent fireworks

Made me hold you high above.


I do not send over the sadness, the madness,

Or strife,

That would not feel right.


Like allowing  a firefly to linger,

gently making its way

to the tips of your finger.

I send only the gentle, the true, the hope,

I do not send the doubts or the

unraveling of the rope.


The truth is, somewhere in here I was lost.

I tried to make you happy,

I tried to ignore the cost.

The fragility of it all was too much too soon,

I knew that, should this go on.

I would continue shielding my tears

From the moon.


This stays with me, yes it does.

But it could never take away all that was.

The humid summer nights,

The joy of first touch,

The feel of your hands,

The strength of the lust.

Lust soon turned love,

The feeling never fleeting,

Please forgive me for this,

I never planned on leaving.


You stay playing on my mind,

there is no one else.

I believe that things were difficult for us,

and I lost myself.

I send my well wishes,

I ignore the pain,

Just know these feelings aren’t forever,

and that we must trust the rain.



I sat face to face with a princely beam of light,

in an other-worldly form.

It was merely by chance with friends one night,

but it left me feeling warm.

Melodies are springing through my veins

at all times and for some reason recently,

this night has played on my mind.


For a brief moment, the room fell silent,

and the feelings within became beautifully violent.

Not scary, not angry,

but soft like that light

for I knew that mine was one in the same,

and was saddened to know that

it would fade along with that night.





The Forest

It’s impossible to describe getting lost in the forest of your eyes.

I dropped my map long ago.

Floods of tears and worries and regret do not escape me yet,

and the pale yellow happiness that has been ever present

seems to loom about in the most pleasant way

causing my emotions to sway.


What could be wrong when things have turned right?

How do I shake the whirlwind of thought that plagues me at night?

I try to see clear, push away the fog,

but somehow I only find myself wandering on.


Growing more curious with each step.


The forest of your eyes is not polite,

it causes me to lose the light,

I felt it lost for such a long while,

that mile after mile,

even when the sunshine warms me inside and out,

the eyes stare on and fill me with doubt.

Know Thyself: Relationship Edition

Here are some tips that I have slowly but surely gathered from the relationships that I have been in over the years.

1.If you feel something, say something.

A lot of people are terrified to talk to their partner if something is bothering them in regards to how the relationship is going. Whether it’s where you are at emotionally, any anxieties that might be coming up, if something is hurting or bothering you, you have to say something. People hold out because they are scared of what might happen if they hurt their partners feelings, scared they might get angry, scared they might leave them or not understand. But the truth of the matter is, if you are in a relationship and you feel something is off for you or you are concerned about something, then you will carry that guilt with you for a long time. It will start to build up like a giant, heavy, snail shell on your back and will make you feel cold and burdened. Do both yourself and your partner a favor and communicate. It may lead to some dismay, but most of the time things can be resolved. If they can’t, they can’t! And you go from there. It’s easy to get comfortable, especially as you get older and start to consider things like when you may want to get married or if you want kids. Some things are fundamental to people. For example, some people know that they want to have kids and want to know that their partner is at least considering it. Sitting down and talking about these things can help to solve some issues that may come up down the road. It’s always good to know where the two of you are at and it’s the fair thing to do.

2. Keep the romance alive!

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that the little things add up a lot. The special little things like leaving a note or getting a candy that your partner loves to surprise them may seem small, but actually makes a big difference in how special you can make people feel. Make some plans at least once a week to do something together that is fun or relaxing for you both.

3. Know when enough is enough.

It’s never easy to figure out when it’s time to call it quits, and this all kind of goes hand in hand with #1 on this list, but if you feel that you have had enough, you have to express that. Sometimes simply from just saying that, things can get better. Other times, you know that it’s absolutely what you have to do to protect your heart, pride, sanity, etc. Also, if you let things pile on top of each other for  too long, it begins to feel as though you are betraying them. Don’t lie and pretend like everything is okay if it’s not. Period.

4. Don’t move too fast

It’s easy to get tangled up in the throes of passion and think that this person is everything you could ever want and more. In that early time, it’s easy to make promises that you might not be able to keep even though at the time you truly believe that nothing could ever change that. This sets the bar way too high way too fast. Make sure you take your time with it, get to know the person if you haven’t known them for long, see if you share the same interests, see what flaws are admirable and what drive you crazy. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I know it’s exciting, but the best part is the journey and not the arrival. So take your time.

5. Don’t compare your relationship to others.

Some of your friends might be dating people too, which is super cool! But keep in mind that every relationship has its ups and downs and a lot of the time, thanks to social media, we only see the happy, shiny, perfect side of the relationship. Don’t let that get to your head if things are seeming not as great on your end. Most times, you probably are in a better position than other people are. But even so, that is not your business and your business is not theirs.

6. Keep your eye out for those red flags

There are some clear signs that your partner may have issues that are unreasonable for you and may push your limits. Some of these red flags may be the following:

  1. Frequent mood swings
  2. Overly sensitive and jealous
  3. Unreasonably angry over small issues
  4. Chronic sadness
  5. Verbally or physically abusive
  6. Promiscuous and unable to commit

Now of course, just because someone may be battling something doesn’t mean that you can’t be with them, but you have to know what you can take. You cannot be someones happiness. You cannot change someone. You cannot be someones punching bag. You come first. Always remember that. Even when you love someone more than anything in the world, your safety and mental health come first. It is very easy to allow someone into your life, but it is not easy to get them out. Before you commit to something and have seen signs that you may not be able to go through with, take a step back and evaluate whether it is worth it. Everyone has their quirks, but you need to know what you think will be best for you.

7. Have fun!

The whole reason why you are dating someone should stem from some part of you really enjoying their company. The person you are dating should be like your best friend, not someone who is causing you grief and sadness and stress. Enjoy your time together, plan trips, hang with friends, watch whatever you want. But make sure that you are happy. Make sure that you are not being hurt emotionally or neglected. Know your worth.