Secret Weapon

So, this is not something I have really discussed outwardly on here, but you can kind of grasp through some of my poetry (since when am I a poet????) and other writing that I am a big believer in the law of attraction and having control over your own destiny. For example, the poem that I wrote called “Guiding Hand” or any time i speak about light, it is usual in reference to spirit or to the law of attraction.

It sounds a little kooky at first, but it really is true that what you put out comes back to you. If you are constantly focusing on what you don’t have and complaining that life sucks and that you are nowhere near your goals, that is only going to continue to happen. It may seem difficult for some to train your brain to believe that everything is going to work out, but nothing great ever really happens over night. It takes time and practice and dedication; you create habits that support your goals instead of being inactive, you become more self aware and are more happy because of it. You find out what is good for you and what makes you happy vs. things that have been bringing you down or creating a sense of comfortable laziness.

Throughout my life I have been very lucky to have known about the law of attraction without really knowing that it is called. Because of that, I have had a lot of opportunity, success, and have brought wonderful people into my life. Strange phenomenons would happen all of the time that would be in congruence with things that I had put out, whether that meant through writing, focused energy, or speaking it out loud. I would truly believe that everything was going to be okay, and usually its better than okay.

I ask for signs a lot, especially when I am going through an uncertain time. When I was in my last relationship, I wasn’t sure what was happening and that was a hard burden to keep to myself. One day in the very thick of it, I was babysitting. The kids that I babysit can sometimes have behavioral issues and this was in the second month of me working there. I knew that I had to take one of them to buy a gift, so we walked into a toy store. While this was happening, I was preoccupied with the thoughts of my relationship almost constantly. It would bring me down more than I have ever experienced before. I would think about it on the train, at work, when I was out with friends, anytime I looked at my phone, with family, in my room. It was endless. I had recently made a statement out loud that asked for a sign of positivity to get back the feeling I was used to, because it felt lost. Boy, did I get a huge sign.

I will shorten this up a bit, but I ended up losing my wallet that day at work in an unfamiliar part of Brooklyn while caring around a hungry 7 year old. I tried to remain calm because we had only walked 2 blocks before realizing I could have left it at the toy store. The 7 year old was remarkably patient, helpful, and had not a single tantrum or attitudinal issue. I was immediately grateful because it was getting late, he hadn’t eaten dinner, and we had been walking back and forth for a very long time seeing if we could spot the wallet in the snow. No luck.

We went to the toy store and random stores along the way, searching to see if we had somehow missed it or maybe someone brought it into someplace nearby. The feeling of panic was very faint. I couldn’t explain it, but I felt like everything would be okay. I knew my insurance card, credit cards, unlimited metrocard, money, Id, and everything else in there was out there somewhere but that I would be seeing it again somehow. Maybe. Hopefully. Finally, I was at the end of my rope. Keep in mind I had 4% phone battery. I told the kid I babysit that we tried our best, but we should try to go home. I looked down at my soon-to-be-dead phone and saw a random number had called. I thought nothing of it.

We started to make our way to the train and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of defeat as I asked if I could use his school metrocard to get on the train and figure out the rest later. I suddenly thought that maybe it would be a good idea to call the person back. Maybe it was a casting call! I called them back and a woman named Christine answered. Earlier that day, I had emailed with a woman named Christine about an audition. I immediately deflated somehow thinking that this could have been related to my wallet. But, to my surprise, Christine actually had found my wallet and had looked me up online to find my phone number. She said she had searched long and hard to match up my information, and that she had seen m wallet in the snow and picked it up to try to get it back to the owner. She said that everything seemed to be in it still and that we could meet her at a restaurant nearby to pick it up. She gave me the address, and my phone died.

No google maps to rely on, I tried to remember every detail about where she said she would be. A woman on the street came up to me and asked if I needed help and pointed me in the right direction. About 45 minutes later, we found the right place and my wallet was safely returned to me with every single thing still intact. I felt tremendous appreciation and love and overall thankfulness. I tried to buy her and her date some drinks, but she just told me to pay it forward.

The sign I had been looking for to show me that something positive was still within me and outside of me had appeared before my eyes. It was the perfect metaphor for what was happening in my life; everything was seeming difficult, lost, and like an overall struggle. But there was a light there. It had never even gone away, I just let it slip past me for a second.

We, as Americans, are very self-absorbed in what makes us feel negativity. The world is faced with horrible, inescapable situations and we sit here upset about a relationship that is making us unhappy or a job that is not fulfilling or a cup of coffee that spilled on our new jacket. Yeah, those things suck ,but they are fixable and don’t need a negative focus. Put a positive spin on it all and you will find that you are strong enough to make a decision about your relationship, that you look for a job that will make you happier, that you wash out that coffee stain and move on with your life. Everything comes back to you and the universe is a friendly place, so practice staying positive, set goals, get out there, do things that you like, help people (even a simple smile on the subway can make someones day), and move on with your life knowing that you have the power to get what you want, big and small, if you focus the right energy on it. Remember, it’s a lot easier to give into negativity. Don’t choose the easy path. 😉

Chaotic Nature

I recently had this thought where I imagined everyone on earth was required to write a very detailed book on each year of life until death. It would form one large book that would be saved and documented for eternity for people to peruse as they please throughout their own lives. Of course, there has always been the analogy of treating years or certain parts of our lives as “chapters” or “seasons”. But what if we actually had to keep detailed documentation of our lives? What if we all took into account that every action and decision, no matter how small or mundane, would truly effect the quality and outcome of our lives?

People are so afraid of countless things in life that actually inhibit them from living a fulfilling and exciting life. Rejection, failure, anxiety, overthinking, other peoples wants or needs, money and more are all examples of what seems to get in the way of life being lived to the fullest and achieving their goals. I’ve seen it in friends, family, loved ones, and, of course, myself! It’s all around us! Like our brains start to freak out a bit about what will happen if you take that job or if you want to go out that night or if the audition went well. That being said, it’s also important just make a decision. Decisions are usually dragged out, stressful, and can consume your thoughts. Just take the risk or do what you feel is best and go for it. And if chaos comes as a part of that, then savor all of those times of struggle and uncertainty because whether it is the greatest time of your life or the darkest, you are growing. You may want to punch people in the face or cry or scream or jump for joy, but through it all, you are growing.

Everything is temporary. I have learned that as an actor, friend, daughter, girlfriend, sister, and person that the faster you learn that, the easier things are. Plus, if something is pretty shitty then I mean…you KNOW it isn’t forever, even if you feel like it is. you have to treat yourself like your best friend.

Here is a list of some random things, some great and some not-so-great,  off of the top of my head that have helped to me grow tremendously. (There are plenty of other things but these are the first things that really came to mind).

  1. Traveling to different countries (especially my first visit to England) and around the U.S
  2. Auditioning and being cast!
  3. Auditioning for huge casting directors and walking away feeling like I had no idea what just happened.
  4. Allowing my entire apartment to be taken over for 4 full days with a 17 person crew with little to no space, our rooms being completely taken over, having our bathtub overflow for a scene, and shooting for 12 hours each day.
  5. Being surrounded by people on tour, living situations, and situations where I really just wanted space but couldn’t get that.
  6. Visiting my 90 year old grandmother.
  7. My parents getting divorced.
  8. Every romantic relationship I have been apart of.
  9. Taking a year off from college and then deciding to go back to school and moving to NYC without knowing where I was going to live or how I was going to pay rent.
  10. Working random odd jobs.

The truth of the matter is, it is really easy to look at this list and think about how some of the situations might seem amazing while others seem less than ideal. Some were decisions, some were out of my control. Either way it is how you handle chaotic situations and know that you will actually benefit from it in the end that defines how your life is going to go. Far too often on my Facebook feed or in real life, I hear and see people complaining and focusing on the negative. I see people treating each other without respect or with frustration because of their own problems and current situations. Of course, letting off steam is healthy. But treating yourself and the people who care about you most like shit because you aren’t happy with where you are at in your personal life is unfair and that has to be realized.

The point here is, we all know everyone has their own struggles and  you have to try and embrace all moments in life. Sometimes it may seem like things are falling apartbut just remember to swim under the wave. It is not going to last forever and the more you know and accept that, the quicker that really shitty time in your life will seem less and less of an issue and instead, just a part of life that is actually placed before you to help you grow! The concept may seem strange, because the natural reaction and easier thing to do is to react negatively to situations that you don’t like. But taking the time to get annoyed or upset and then let it all go will be far more beneficial than walking around with all of that excess baggage that may end up changing the course of your life.