Dedication

The past couple of weeks of my life have been quite a whirlwind that has come with a lot of change and excitement. This year has been so strange for me on many different levels with no real plan or way to know what was possibly going to happen. As always, I was throwing things to the wall and hoping that they would stick. Summer is always fairly quiet when it comes to auditioning, but I got called in for a company that was looking to work with me on a show in the Spring that I couldn’t do that now had a show that would tour all around Houston, Texas for the fall.

Welp, I ended up booking it and here I am in Houston in a beautiful air bnb! Over these past 2 weeks I have learned a musical in its entirety, staged it all, got someone to sublet my room for 2 months, informed my job and trained a new sitter, and prepared myself to be completely immersed in rehearsals and performances almost everyday for the next 2 months. I am super excited to be apart of this and also just so happy to be performing everyday. Being able to say I love what I do and it’s my daily job is really priceless. I’m a happy sponge 🙂

While I am here, I am going to try to focus in on a couple of things in my downtime. A year and a half ago, I was away doing a show and my castmate was so extremely dedicated to her work in her time off that it would constantly leave me wondering what she was up to. Is there really that much work to be done? Am I slacking? How do I get started? What is she even doing?!

The truth was, I WAS slacking. I didn’t have a laptop yet, was unsure of certain steps that I needed to take, and was too focused on a guy that ultimately was not good for me or my mental health. I honestly would not take any of it back, because now I am far more grounded in who I am, focused, and ready to go. I feel healthy, happy, motivated, and very lucky to be here and although I definitely plan to socialize and explore, I will also be keeping her work ethic in mind to accomplish the things that I want to do before this year comes to a close. (How the hell is it even possible that there are only 3 months until New Years Day?!)

So here are some things that I want to accomplish while I am here and I have already started to do so!

Save money, eat healthy/exercise at least 4 times a week (I started a fitness Instagram with Ruby to stay on track!), work on my website, schedule a photo session for when I am back, plan my trip to Norway, plan another trip before that, figure out student loan payments, read all of the books that I brought, write everyday, watch important shows and movies, bulk up on knowledge of theater’s I would like to work with.

Life is sweet. I’m excited.

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Ramblings of a (newly struggling) actor

It’s amazing what one day surrounded by nature can do for you. Whether it’s a forest or a sunshiny meadow or the beach…anything. ANYthing but New York City can make you feel at ease.

Don’t get me wrong, I love New York. Truly, madly, deeply. But this place can really make you question your sanity. I sincerely am grateful to live here for so many reasons, but also appreciate getting away whenever I can.

I have been trying not to get caught up in the fact that I am not currently on stage and performing in a show. I am, however, directing which is very exciting and rewarding, so to still be apart of the theater in some way is very satisfying. But I can’t shake this feeling of worry, this feeling of being held to the highest of standards. Most of the time I can keep it pretty hushed these days, but some days my mind runs wild and I panic over the fact that I am not “where I am supposed to be”, whatever that means.

I recently talked to some friends in the acting world who say that I inspire them and make them want to do their best, and while I really am very touched and excited by that, I always feel like I am somehow letting them down if I am not in the middle of working on a role. I have to rid myself of that idea. I got too used to things coming easily, to booking things quickly and being on the move. I got too comfortable in “success” that when I hit this little lull in my acting career, I started to freak the F out. I think that is only natural, as an artist and as a person, to be honest. But it eats me alive when I allow it too. Even if I have gone on a bunch of auditions, even if I tell myself I am doing super well, even if I inspire people around me and am always on the move, it eats me alive if I am not booking, even if it doesn’t remotely show.

Today I went to Cupsogue Beach in The Hamptons. One day away with my sister and brother-in-law getting tossed around in the waves and soaking up some rays was really cleansing. I took some time to just reflect (corny sounding but true) and I realized that what we feel is failure is an opportunity for growth and for experience. How you react to your perceived failure is what will make or break you. The other day I spoke to my friend who is also an actor and she said something that was pretty simple but also profound to me since I have been dealing with these sudden bursts of panic; she said that if you aren’t enjoying the journey, what is the point? Why do we do what we do? If everything came easily, would there be any growth for you as an actor or as a person?

As I lay in the sun earlier today, allowing the beams to heat my smiling face, I felt this so deeply within me. I know that this time in my life, this “lull”, is for experience. It’s for growth. It’s to propel me to the next level so that I can be learning constantly and defying the possibilities of what I thought I was capable of doing. I have time. TIME! I have time where I can travel, where I can learn new things and see new theater, where I can direct and spend time with friends and family. I’m young! How awesome is that?

This was a rant, yes. And maybe you aren’t a struggling artist, but every human struggles with something whether their lives seem perfect or not. They aren’t. And that’s what makes people interesting. Their journey, their triumphs, their low points, their passions and how they pursue them. You are always growing and learning and once you accept “failure” into your life, you can laugh it off and move forward towards your goals without getting too stuck on things.